Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Weight Deduction Reference Chart

  I have only worked out with my trainer four times now in the past few weeks, and I must say he is absolutely right!  Muscle weighs a whole lot more than fat which was proven to me today when I got on the scale at the gynecologist's office for my annual exam.  I have never seen a number that large on the scale and I thought to myself “Wow!  Thank god that is all muscle now!”  Had I not rescheduled my appointment from several weeks ago (before my training started) I would have had to assign that excessive number to the fat category instead of the muscle department.  I must say my timing was very fortuitous!

Out of habit I asked the nurse if she would deduct seventeen pounds for clothes, earrings, the lettuce-only salad I ate for lunch, hairspray and the extra cup of coffee I had had, and she just laughed and laughed, and told me no.  She is young and obviously new and doesn’t know how to act around middle-aged menopausal women.  So this blog is for her, and all the girls in my life.

Whilst mulling this over (I love saying “whilst” -  it reminds me of all of my brilliant English friends!) I had an epiphany about something very critical that has been missing from the medical industry. 

So here you have it – a handy, pocket-sized weight reference sheet to help you find a way to get your weight at the OB-GYN office to match what is on your driver’s license!

Reference chart of highly legitimate weight deductions
1 lb       Shorts or skirt                                     
2 lbs     Jeans/slacks
2.5 lbs  Shoes (if you have to leave them on) 
.75 lbs  Short sleeve/sleeveless shirt               
1 lb       Long sleeve shirt or sweater                 
1.3 lbs  Jewelry (3-5 pieces) 
0.1 lb    Acrylic nails / per nail  
If you were brave enough to eat more than a saltine on the day of your appointment it is quite acceptable (and recommended if hormonal) to deduct 1 pound per meal or snack that you had as that food will of course be exiting your body within 24 hours and should not be recorded permanently in the doctor’s records.

If you married your high school sweetheart between the ages of 18 and 22 you can deduct .25 pounds for your wedding ring.  We know you’re hanging on to that ring for sentimental reasons and you should get extra points for that, but you’re not going to.

If, however, you are on your second marriage and your husband is approximately twenty years older than you, please deduct 1.25 pounds for that big rock, and congratulations by the way!

Did you shave your legs on the morning of your appointment?  If so, no points for you!  However, if you didn’t get around to it in the last day or two prior to your appointment please deduct .30 pounds if you are blonde and .50 pounds if you are brunette. 

Did you shave the rest of your lady parts?  If not you can deduct up to 1 pound and I’m saying this based on what I’ve seen in the locker room at the gym.  Remember, even though you may have to forgo some points, it is the considerate thing to do.  Don’t show up to your appointment looking like your shaggy dog is sitting on your lap or you brought a squirrel monkey with you.  No one wants to see that.

Premenstrual bloating on the day of your exam?  Please subtract 10 pounds and you may have french fries or onion rings and a real coke after you leave the doctor's office.  Anything consumed within twenty-four hours of one's appointment will not stay in your system and of course does not count.  Have some ice cream too.  

Senior citizens!  If you are over 50 and your appointment is on a Tuesday you will receive an additional 10% weight deduction off of your total! 

Hip or knee replacements?  Deduct 1 pound per body part due to titanium weighing less than bone.  There’s got to be a pony buried somewhere in that pile of shit called 'getting older'!

My doctor’s office tends to run waaay behind most of the time so I have added a clause into the weight chart that allows you to deduct 1 additional pound for each ten minutes of waiting beyond your appointment time.  After all, anything that irritates you causes stress which burns calories which causes weight loss.  That's why it is perfectly acceptable to be ticked off at your husband on a regular basis.  It's just good weight management when it comes right down to it.  

I hope this little chart has come in handy for my girlfriends!  And always remember, just because the doctor's office records one set of numbers, that is no indication of accuracy.  Unless you like the number you see.  Only then is it correct. 

You're welcome.