Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I'd Like To Buy A Noun, Please...

If I scroll back a few years ago in my blog archives I can find stories from our travels in Morocco.  Pretty much since then it has been about cleaning up cat vomit, lying awake listening to Steve snore, or wondering aloud about the gradual decline of my body, mind and bank account.  And sometimes it's about nothing much at all, which seems to have given me an endless supply of material.

Case in point...

As most of you know, Steve is a pretty awesome guy. He is my best friend, a great husband, loves my family and our friends, a talented artist, and he's a cat whisperer.  However (isn't there always a however?) he was born with one genetic defect (maybe more, but this one really stands out). His DNA lacks the ability to form nouns and use them in a sentence. Most of our married life I have had no idea what we are even talking about which I'm sure has contributed to its longevity.  Back in our younger days, when a lot of you know what was going on, nouns didn't matter as everything was really more about sound effects and the different decibel levels that were achieved.  But nowadays I often think it would be nice to know what's happening.   

Today for example, while biking, all of a sudden he yelled "watch out"!  

As I was moving along at a bit of a clip it's not like I could easily take in every potential danger around me in the amount of time that it sounded like I needed. "Watch out for what?" I yelled back.

"That!" he shouted.

I swerved off the path to avoid whatever it was I was supposed to not run over, and in the process came close to falling off of my bike.

The good news is, whenever something does happen to me I'm going to be the last to know what hit me, and with any luck will be knocked unconscious, oblivious to my crash.

Here's another example that happens on a daily basis...multiple times. 

Steve..."I think that would be a good thing to get."

"What thing?" I ask. 

"You know, the one from yesterday" he says.

Me..."and that would be...?" 

"When we were at Lowe's."

"I'd like to buy a noun please" I say.

"Planter! That big planter in the garden section!" 

"Well finally!  Why didn't you say so?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you" he says.
Good grief.  And it for sure won't be long before I get to go through that again.

Lately, when I sense he is about to start talking, I try and speed things up by shouting out random nouns and then just yell "pick one, any one, use it in a sentence! Here ya go...Jewelry! Car! Pasta! Chocolate!  Please, we've only got so much time left on this planet and I really need to know what's going on.  I could be dead before I know what you're talking about!"

"Pizza!" he yells.  "And wine!"

Perfect.  My plan has worked again...


Sunday, June 19, 2016

Just another day...

I was in the bedroom folding laundry the other day when I heard some grunting and cursing coming from another part of the house.  I stepped out into the family room and remembered that Steve had put on the newest yoga video given to us by my sister.

Apparently it was not one that would be deemed "Gentle Yoga" because all I could hear was Steve yelling at the instructor telling her to shut the $&@k up.  Within a matter of minutes I was exhausted just from listening to him in the other room.  That instructor had not stopped talking or taken a breathe since she started.

This is what I heard..."Now stand up tall and ster...etch toward the sun. Drop down to your knees, NOW, on all fours, downward dog, hold that position, breathe, now drop into cobra and ster...etch.....now jump up and leg UP into tree position, now wrap your legs and squat into eagle and now back to downward dog and dolphin and chaturanga, cobra, half cobra, warrior one, downward dog, deep breathing, exhale, shavasana, chaturanga, good grief, $&@k off, heavy breathing, torso perpendicular to the floor, lift your chest, fingers perpendicular, up dog, down dog, open the thighs, release the neck, stretching up, inhale, standing arch, sweep with the arms, what the *&#$..my god this is like Twister!  I think I'm going to throw-up".  That was an exhausting minute to be witness to, and I had to stop myself from going back into the bedroom and lying down to take a nap.

At some point during that above rant you probably realized that sometimes it was the instructor, and sometimes it was Steve.  You can usually tell when I'm writing about something that Steve is saying by the sudden use of !@#$% instead of real letters.  That is for my own protection.

And to think this was a gift from my sister!  Typical middle child, always trying to kill off the siblings.  I can't wait to tell mom what she's trying to do to us.  Bet she gets grounded again, even if she is fifty something!

Hashtags for this little event?  #throwup #swearing #$&@k #meanyoga #mysisteristryingtokillus

Monday, June 6, 2016

Morning Jibber Jabber...

Me:  "Steve, will you get the lizard out of the shower, and don't forget about the half a rat that is still in the driveway that needs removing.  Also, I haven't cleaned up the cat vomit from last night so be careful not to slip in it!  It's just outside the dining room.  By the way, do I just look like a total wreck lately?  I cannot stand this haircut.  And wow!  My eyes are so puffy and swollen this morning - I thought wine was supposed to be a diuretic?  Ya know, I was thinking that since we've had fish twice this week already maybe I'll grill some chicken tonight if that sounds good?  Did you see that awesome cat video that (insert one of 87 names) posted on Facebook this morning?  It is even cuter and funnier than the one from last night (or yesterday, last week, last month, last year, 2014, on and on...).

Steve, looking up from his cell phone: "Huh? I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I wasn't listening because I've been researching new vehicles again, and thinking we should look at getting the Honda Pilot, or the Toyota Forerunner, or the Denali, or the Yukon or the Dodge...blah blah blahblah blah blah blahblah blah..."  

I don't know why I can't hear him when he talks about cars.  It could be because I don't care, but then again it could be because I don't care.  My little brain cells are just about maxed out with cat videos, menu planning and my weight, and what little activity is left needs to be dedicated to painting so we can buy food and pay our internet bill due to the high volume of streaming cat videos.

Here are some hashtags I think will work for this particular blog...

#iammuchmoreinterestingthanmyhusband  #carsboreme  #rockonkittycats  #boredboredbored  #icanthearyou

We'll chat again later in the week!